3 losses. We’ve had 3 babies that we haven’t gotten to hold in our arms.
The pain of it never truly leaves. Even after successful pregnancies, the loss still lingers. The personal toll that it takes still has an impact. It takes more than just producing another living thing to heal the heartache, physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual well being of both parents.
Our children will always be in our hearts and minds. We are forever changed because of their presence with us, even if only in the womb.
I wanted a photo to represent our entire family, and am so thankful we were able to get that in our photo shoot with Niki.
We’ve been fortunate and blessed to have 2 healthy boys, Asher and Shiloh. Somehow the ache to be able to hold a baby has dwindled some. My boys love lots of interaction, and really want to be held or carried so very often. But, I can’t forget that 3 years ago today my daughter’s baby shower was roughly scheduled.
I have a daughter. Her name is Charis Ruth. She waved at me on camera once.
I wanted to see her dance in a cute dress, to brush her long hair, and to paint our nails together.
I have 4 sons. In two of them, I can see what similarities and differences they have. Oh boy do these boys have some unique traits. Each will be parented differently.
But, I still wonder about Ezekiel and Jehoahaz (Joe). What would they have been like? What silly things would they do?
Miscarriage isn’t just about mourning the loss of a baby. You are a parent, mourning the loss of what you never got to experience with that child. I didn’t get to see my 3 learn to crawl, walk, talk, learn to read, graduate from high school, start a career, figure out who they really are, fall in love, get married, or have their own families.
Miscarriage isn’t just mourning the loss of a baby,
it is mourning all the rest of a life that didn’t get to be lived out.
I still think about my almost 5 year old son.
I still ask God why did we go through all that, ultimately with no conclusive medical explanation?
It’s hard to know how to be okay with this. Losing a child is never okay, no matter how old they were.
The thoughts wondering how these children would grow, what they’d be like, and any involvement I would have in their lives may become distant or faded memories. We can’t stay stuck in grieving mode for the remainder of our lives.
It is completely okay to stop and remember them, to say the names of the baby, to mark the milestones and memories that we do have.
It is okay to tell people exactly where in the process you are.
Miscarriages are far more common than we realize because for so long, you didn’t tell anyone that you lost a baby. You didn’t let them know the grief you were having. Let people in, seek out those that will be supportive throughout the whole journey, no matter the outcome.
We are quite done having babies. 3 losses, 2 boys 14.5 months apart, and I’m nearing the end of my fertility window in life. It’s okay. I am thrilled to have my boys, even when they get me up every single hour of the night (last night). I can hold them.
Some of my friends have endured loss and are struggling to conceive again, while others have given up all hope and sworn off wanting to continue trying. A few friends struggle with infertility as well (we’ve had a season in that zone too).
It’s hard to press on. It’s hard seeing friends so successful and having weathered such storms before, during, and for a lifetime after. But – the journey is worth it… no matter the outcome. God is still a good Father, no matter what our future holds.
For miscarriage, still-birth, and neonatal loss support, please check out Sweet Grace Ministries.