I am happy to put 2014 behind me.
It was a difficult year on so many levels. While still recovering from our miscarriage in 2013, I leapt at the chance to taking on additional work with a local college. The problem here – classes were frequently cancelled the day before I was to begin but months after I’d blocked out my schedule and anticipated income.
Then, we discovered again that I was pregnant. Queue the fears from losing our first. At the 9 week mark, I discover our fears were correct. Our second baby also passed at 6.5 weeks. This led to lots of medical tests (bills) and surgery to remove a uterine septum. I had an extra wall in the baby’s room that was interfering with the babies ability to live past 6.5 weeks.
I have been grateful for a dear friend that has been with me through it all. She had gone through many more losses than I have yet, and undergone many tests. She is my strength when I face more tests and more bills. Her final pregnancy and beautiful daughter are the inspiration for me to keep trying. She gets it when I feel like no one else understands. My babies weren’t old enough to reveal my symptoms to anyone else, and yet their births were painful still. This friend has been the support I’ve needed in every possible way.
With all the medical complications, I’ve been an emotional mess and really unable to get “work” done as I should. I hate that. I need to grieve, I need to do all that medically can be done, but I also need to pay bills.
For years, I keep allowing other things to stand in my way at earning a professional wage. Sometimes I let other jobs come up that aren’t true to my real purpose and strength. I settle for anything I can earn.
Other times, I am too anxious to ever write the proposal or follow through with the job once begun. That’s just ugly.
On rare occasions, I step fully into all I am capable of, and then I am proud.
I’ve felt a void with friends as well. I always had a very tightly knit group of friends through high school, college, and even after college. Lately though, I feel this area of deeply meaningful personal relationships has been severely lacking. It feels hard and shouldn’t be so. Sure, we all go through our junk of life and letting others in helps. But – lately… those that I am to be in closest relationship with either have other priorities or somehow are tied to me professionally and that becomes a new kind of awkward. I feel such resistance or control of who I am expected to be. I don’t think it’s my fears projecting that to them, but rather a long history that I’d rather forget. I want a fresh start, but when it isn’t possible… I must somehow endure their perceptions of me because I love them and they are still vital to me personally, not just professionally.
This strife ends now. My family is worth overcoming every financial and personal obstacle in the way. Jesus and I have been talking of this. I may drop off radar sometimes through the next few weeks to just get myself in check. I choose to overcome in surrender to Him. If I’m not ready to deal with the others… I’ll just let Him sort that out. I am done trying there and Lord knows I’ve prayed for help figuring it out and haven’t gotten any response from Him or others. So – lay down the challenges but pick up instead my ambition and effort to move on.
2015: I am expecting His love and hopeful for finishing stronger than last year.